I Am Starting to Find Me Again
Nearly 11 weeks at Hope, and I am sitting on a Thai bus travelling back from a few days at the sober house. I used to struggle getting a bus in the UK alone. I hated to be alone. I’d be anxious and it would trigger me to use.
Yesterday, I walked around Nong Nooch (tropical botanical garden) on my own. I was buying soft drinks from drink stalls that were also selling a range of alcohol drinks. A few months ago, I would have said fuck it. I’m alone and I can get away with it, but I am doing this for me now, I choose not to drink because it creates a happier life for me.
I do not have to use today and I am not missing it, I missed me more and I am starting to find me again.
Seeing Things Differently
I look back over the last 11 weeks and I do see a big change. Hope is different from my last rehab. That time, I didn’t face myself. I just worked hard to manipulate and pass the days, so I could go back to my relationship. My dishonesty remained, and I didn’t own my behaviours. At Hope, I am doing the steps and they have given me a chance to lay out my emotions, resentments, and my life. I’ve seen the powerlessness of my drug use, and I am owning my actions – yes they were not okay, and yes I’ve hurt a lot of people, as well as myself, but that’s my past and my actions have shaped me into the person I am today.
At first, I was so anxious I’d walk into groups and fall apart. My guilt and shame was too much for me. I was a broken little girl. I was using drugs to create a blanket for my emotions.
At home, I couldn’t and wouldn’t face my emotions. I was weak. I was trapped. I’d sit in my room for weeks using cocaine and drinking to excess, not eating , self harming and hurting anyone who tried to stop me. I was running and I couldn’t pick my feet up of the ground. Nothing was enough no one could help or stop me, and I couldn’t save myself.
I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rehab hadn’t worked for me. Before, I got the money to go to one from gambling but that just enabled me to use more. I was searching and searching looking for answers. My using was just increasing, and I was just hoping I’d have a heart attack and die.
I never want to forget my rock bottom I do not want another I am so scared of my addiction it controls me and takes over my life and I only have one, and I can’t lose it again.
So how am I now..
I’m smiling, I’m happy, I’m being told by new people that I am an inspiration and positive influence (ha ha – how crazy is that?). When I arrived my negativity was so strong, but I arrived willing. I didn’t wanna die.
I do daily gratitude’s now – before the word gratitude wasn’t even in my vocabulary. I do abc’s to challenge my negative triggers, and I say positive affirmations to myself which I’m starting to believe, I am a strong, intelligent , beautiful being ????
Buddhist principles are amazing to me I try to follow them daily. I want to be honest, giving , loving and non judgemental person. Yeah, I am no guru. I’m not perfect but that is what makes life beautiful I get to know myself more daily.
I now meditate, I’m mindful and I ground myself. When I have a bad day I don’t have to use I can face it. I never used once before I arrived and last week I took a meditation group.
I have faith I have a loving higher power now that in itself is mad.
Before I decided to come to Hope, I checked out other rehabs in the UK, and they where 12 Step and did no forms of exercise so I crossed them of my list. I came to hope because it had a range of everything and exercise was part of the programme. Now I exercise at 6.30am daily and pray day and night. Before I came here I exercised once every months if that!
I have a routine. I have a rough plan. I don’t exactly know my future, and what I am going to do next, but that’s okay I don’t have to control everything anymore.I know my defects now and my higher power helps me with that and I help myself. I’ve chosen to live and I am living.
In 2 ½ weeks, I’ll be at home being a honest, loving daughter, sister , friend, and auntie. I’m excited. I’m excited to live now. I have acceptance, and I’m more able to let things go. I’m confident again. I feel alive again. I am no longer a shell of Parice, I am Parice. I am willing to learn more about me. I am not perfect but why would I wanna be, I’m me.
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