I am excited to live NOW

You are here:Home>>Posts>>Blog, guest post>>I am excited to live NOW

I am excited to live NOW

by Parice 

Path at Hope Rehab ThailandI Am Starting to Find Me Again

Nearly 11 weeks at Hope, and I am sitting on a Thai bus travelling back from a few days at the sober house. I used to struggle getting a bus in the UK alone. I hated to be alone. I’d be anxious and it would trigger me to use.

Yesterday, I walked around Nong Nooch (tropical botanical garden) on my own. I was buying soft drinks from drink stalls that were also selling a range of alcohol drinks. A few months ago, I would have said fuck it.  I’m alone and I can get away with it, but I am doing this for me now, I choose not to drink because it creates a happier life for me.

I do not have to use today and I am not missing it, I missed me more and I am starting to find me again.

Seeing Things Differently

I look back over the last 11 weeks and I do see a big change. Hope is different from my last rehab. That time, I didn’t face myself.  I just worked hard to manipulate and pass the days, so I could go back to my relationship. My dishonesty remained, and I didn’t own my behaviours.  At Hope, I am doing the steps and they have given me a chance to lay out my emotions, resentments, and my life.  I’ve seen the powerlessness of my drug use, and I am owning my actions – yes they were not okay, and yes I’ve hurt a lot of people, as well as myself, but that’s my past and my actions have shaped me into the person I am today.

At first, I was so anxious I’d walk into groups and fall apart. My guilt and shame was too much for me. I was a broken little girl. I was using drugs to create a blanket for my emotions.

Before Hope

At home, I couldn’t and wouldn’t face my emotions. I was weak. I was trapped. I’d sit in my room for weeks using cocaine and drinking to excess, not eating , self harming and hurting anyone who tried to stop me.  I was running and I couldn’t pick my feet up of the ground. Nothing was enough no one could help or stop me, and I couldn’t save myself.

I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rehab hadn’t worked for me. Before, I got the money to go to one from gambling but that just enabled me to use more. I was searching and searching looking for answers. My using was just increasing, and I was just hoping I’d have a heart attack and die.

I never want to forget my rock bottom I do not want another I am so scared of my addiction it controls me and takes over my life and I only have one, and I can’t lose it again.

So how am I now..

I’m smiling, I’m happy, I’m being told by new people that I am an inspiration and  positive influence (ha ha – how crazy is that?). When I arrived my negativity was so strong, but I arrived willing.  I didn’t wanna die.

I do daily gratitude’s now – before the word gratitude wasn’t even in my vocabulary. I do abc’s to challenge my negative triggers, and I say positive affirmations to myself which I’m starting to believe, I am a strong, intelligent , beautiful being ????

Buddhist principles are amazing to me I try to follow them daily.  I want to be honest, giving , loving and non judgemental person. Yeah, I am no guru. I’m not perfect but that is what makes life beautiful I get to know myself more daily.

I now meditate, I’m mindful and I ground myself. When I have a bad day I don’t have to use I can face it. I never used once before I arrived and last week I took a meditation group.

I have faith I have a loving higher power now that in itself is mad.

Before I decided to come to Hope, I checked out other rehabs in the UK, and they where 12 Step and did no forms of exercise so I crossed them of my list. I came to hope because it had a range of everything and exercise was part of the programme. Now I exercise at 6.30am daily and pray day and night. Before I came here I exercised once every months if that!

I have a routine.  I have a rough plan.  I don’t exactly know my future, and what I am going to do next, but that’s okay I don’t have to control everything anymore.I know my defects now and my higher power helps me with that and I help myself. I’ve chosen to live and I am living.

In 2 ½ weeks, I’ll be at home being a honest, loving daughter, sister , friend, and auntie. I’m excited. I’m excited to live now. I have acceptance, and I’m more able to let things go. I’m confident again. I feel alive again. I am no longer a shell of Parice, I am Parice. I am willing to learn more about me. I am not perfect but why would I wanna be, I’m me.

Please share this post online if you found it helpful.

Other Topics That Might Interest You

The Yin and Yang of Recovery

A balanced recovery is a strong recovery, and this is where we have a good mix of spiritual, physical, and mental activities in our life. A common mistake we make in recovery is to put all of our eggs into one basket. We become obsessed with exercise, work, or a new relationship and it leads to imbalance.

Turn Off the Noise

Research shows that reducing our exposure to news and social media can reduce stress levels, increase productivity, and make us less prone to negative mental states. Here are some exercises to help you turn off the noise.

How Self-Hypnosis Increases Positive Change

Our conscious mind is like the monkey who is giddy on power and constantly barking commands, but it is really our unconscious mind that determines our behavior. The reason why so many of us struggle to make positive changes in our life is because our monkey doesn’t have the cooperation of our elephant.

Bindabat – The Real Meaning Behind the Thai Buddhist Alms Round

Bhikkhu is the title for a fully-ordained monk in the Theravada Buddhist tradition, and can be translated as ‘one who lives on alms’. The idea is that by getting support from lay people, the monks will not need to work. They can then focus all of their attention on their spiritual practices in pursuit of enlightenment.

Online Therapeutic Approaches

The process of how inperson therapy works developed over many years, with many contributions from a multitude of areas and certainly didn’t arrive preformed and ready for use. Online therapy is simply following in the traditions of these other therapeutic developments.



      Contact us